The Demon Who Makes Trophies of Men

Predator. Could Rambo kill a hunter from another planet? Could even Batman have got out of this one? Well, the inexplicably German-accented main character in Predator could. Everything about this movie is the essence of hardcore, from the probably-not-something-you-should-try-at-home use of a minigun to that dude that says “I ain’t got time to bleed.”

Also, it features a scene where Arnie stabs a guy all the way through, pinning him to the wall behind him, and tells him “Stick around.” This sequence should be mandatory in all movies, including children’s animation and romantic comedies.

This movie was made back in the day, when men were men and monsters were tall guys in suits, rather than those lame CG creatures which always look too shiny and which none of the characters ever seem to be looking at directly. Before directors started featuring modern-day Predators having weird onscreen quasi-romances with heroines. Before director John McTiernan started making films like Rollerball. Before Arnie starred in the two most recent Terminator movies. It was 1987, and those were the days.

But one thing that wasn’t so good about 1987 was that you couldn’t get this shirt:

This t-shirt's slogan reminds us all of the glorious moment when we all learned that we could outrun a large nuclear explosion just by riding away in a helicopter. This easily beat the previous action movie method of simply diving away from large explosions in ultra slow motion. And as a bonus, when this situation inevitably arises in real life, your Get To Da Choppa shirt will let everyone around you know exactly what to do.

Chicks Dig the Uniform

Star trek has got a bad rap these days. Some people might think there’s nothing less conductive to relations with the opposite sex than declaring yourself a Star Trek fan.

But they’re wrong. For a start, nothing is sexy like a man in uniform. Put William Shatner in a uniform and what does he look like? A chick magnet. And McCoy and Spock were pretty successful with the ladies, too.

Also, the vintage Star Trek uniforms were great. Nothing says ‘Captain of a goddamn starship’ like bright yellow shirts, sparkly badges and knee-high boots. Sure, a lot of Star Trek fans go for Next Generation, but they too are wrong. Captain Picard? Clearly no Kirk. Come on, the guy had a counselor on the deck so that the aliens attacking them could discuss their feelings with each other. For some reason that military strategy hasn't really caught on in the present day.




Could Picard do this? I don’t think so.

Not to mention those lame dull-colored uniforms everyone was wearing. Everyone knows that if you’re in the blackness of space, you need to liven things up with bright-colored uniforms, multicolored sparkly control panel buttons, and that little screen at Spock’s station with the black and white spiral on it. What did that screen do? It looked fucking cool, that’s what. On the other hand, suicide rates must have been incredibly high on the new Enterprise with only that muted gray and purple eighties décor to drown out the space boredom and soul-crushing blackness around you.

Celebrate real vintage Star Trek uniforms and the women they attracted with this Chicks Dig the Uniform Star Trek t-shirt.

Wear the t-shirt, show your pride. It’s second in sexiness only to dressing up like Kirk himself.

Richard Scarry Apple Car!

This Richard Scarry Apple Car Shirt should bring back some memories of the early 90's popular cartoon "The Busy World of Richard Scarry." Each episode opened with the iconic Mr. Lowly Worm driving around the Paramount Studio emblem in his flying apple car. Relive the memories and grab your tee today from Clutch Tees!

Leftie Pride

Are you left handed? Tired of struggling with those god-damn can openers? Tired of all the other members of the water polo club laughing at you as you awkwardly wield the mallet? Find yourself constantly smearing blood all over the page when trying to write threatening notes to your enemies? Well, worry no longer.

Left-handers have got a raw deal for a while now, what with left-handedness historically being considered evil and a sigh of witchcraft in many cultures and all. Hell, in some countries they forbade it altogether But now, scientists think that left-handedness might be cause by a surge of testosterone at birth. That’s right, being left-handed might just be caused by being too damn manly.

It's not surprising when you look at all these famous left-handed people in history. Probably the surge of testosterone was given to a special few to give them an evolutionary advantage while fighting multiple bears. Or maybe it’s just a gift from God for being super awesome.

So it turns out that all those people trying to crush your left-handedness or accusing you of being the son of the devil were just jealous. After all, since a surge of testosterone can be caused by stress, it probably meant that your mom fought off a tiger while in labor or something. How many people can say that?

You can show your rebellious left-handed pride by wearing this Trust Me I’m Left Handed T-shirt.

It’s also available in women’s sizes, because high testosterone in the female brain is nothing to be ashamed of. Female southpaws, you too can take pride in fight wild animals while wearing this shirt. And possibly zombies.

This Is My Halloween Costume

There's a good chance with everything that's been going on this fall, you haven't had the time to go out and buy a Halloween costume. You were going to, but then America bombed the moon, a kid got stuck in a hot air balloon, Brett Favre started playing football (again), and the H1N1 Flu shut down practically every school in the country. In all the fuss, it's easy to see why you didn't have time to sit down and think about what costume you were going to wear for the ghoulish festivities of Halloween. Clutch Tees makes it easy for you by offering this "Halloween Costume" shirt. Check it out here as well as a few other Halloween shirt ideas!

Another Cold Glass of Turnip Juice

Jack-o-lanterns are a Halloween tradition that date back many hundreds of years to ancient Ireland, where they are linked to several local folk tales. However, since pumpkins are a New World discovery that didn’t exist back then in the British Isles, the Irish would instead carve jack-o-lanterns into turnips.

Can you imagine the horror of carving a face into those tiny wretched things, especially while drinking (which being Irish, they probably were)? It is a little known fact that the holiday of Halloween became associated with death, mayhem and horror because people used to cut themselves trying to carve scary faces into turnips. They would then gush blood everywhere over their terrified, screaming family members. Since medical care as we know it didn’t exist back then, families would have to call in the local witch to put a spell on the turnip wound. This is how witches became associated with the holiday.

Eventually, the Pilgrims became sick of all of this, and emigrated to the New World. Another little known fact is that it wasn’t so much religious persecution as that they were sick of all the goddamn turnips.

But all that has changed now, and today Halloween is a joyful holiday for children and adults alike. Although of course now pumpkins have to put up with this. 

It is imperative that you pass on this important and completely factual historical knowledge to all your friends at this year’s Halloween party. You can find an excuse to raise the subject by wearing this awesome pumpkin-themed jack-o-lantern t-shirt.

Express your patriotic pride this Halloween; wear a pumpkin t-shirt. Because seriously, fuck turnips.

New Jersey Nyets T-Shirt

In response to Bill Simmons mail bag blog entry:

An inordinate amount of readers mailed me some variation of the "New Jersey Nyets" joke, and it made me laugh every time. When is the New Jersey Nyets T-shirt and logo going online? How much longer do we have to wait?

Wait no longer! The parody New Jersey Nyets t-shirt is here!