It’s obvious that board games offer a distorted picture of real life. The Game of Life is a good example. It’s physically impossible for players to land on a ‘have children’ spot before they pass the ‘get married’ stage, unrealistically eliminating one of the main reasons people get married in the first place. Everyone gets to have a house, and there’s no student loan cards even if you choose to go to college. And to top it off, you get to retire in all perpetuity without dying. They could have at least added in a final death card to give it an air of authenticity, with a chunk of your ultimate earnings going towards funeral expenses and death taxes.
Monopoly goes in the opposite direction from this false paradise, offering a view of a harsh, unforgiving life in which land owners must still pay rent, are arbitrarily jailed and released by a fascist state, and nobody can ever, ever just stay home.
Then there’s the Hungry Hungry Hippos game, promoting the idea of hippos as chubby, loveable larks. And admittedly, they’re quite cute when they’re babies. But hippos also hold the prize for being the number one human-killing animal in all of Africa, far surpassing ‘scarier’ animals like crocodiles, lions, tigers, hunting dogs and rhinos. Why? Well, one reason is hippos are unusually aggressive and tend to attack without provocation. Another reason, yet to be explored in depth by the scientific community, is that people have been lulled by childhoods playing unrealistic board games and are approaching adorable hippos en masse to offer them a snack.
Make your statement on the grave inaccuracy of board games with this t-shirt:
Let’s face it, the people around you are terminally uncool. Which is why you may have the need to wear this t-shirt:
But if that’s not enough, here are a few tips for you to become even cooler:
Hang out in Wal-mart: Wal-mart is a great place for cheap furniture, plus sized clothes made out of latex, and anything formed from molded plastic. But there’s also another advantage, which is that being surrounded by obese women with beards and men wearing capes will make you look far cooler in comparison. You will gain cool points just for walking unassisted without a cane one of those motorized buggies. (But keep in mind that this could also backfire. Sure, people wear superhero costumes to Wal-mart. But doesn’t that just prove that they don’t care what other people think about them? They want to wear a superhero costume, it makes them happy, and gosh darn they’re going to do it. That gains you a lot of cool points. So be sure to only hang out in the sections of Wal-mart with the people dressed in boring clothes that they probably bought at a different section of Wal-mart.
Bring back rad 30’s slang: it’s new, it’s hip, it’s your own version of trendsetting. Possible terms include ‘bean shooter’, ‘blow your wig’, ‘clam-bake’, ‘cinder dick’, and ‘skin tickler’. No one remembers these meanings anymore, so feel free to just make them up.
Pole dancing is really an underappreciated art form. It's a form of exercise that requires discipline and training, and one in which a lot that can go wrong, as can be seen in videos like this one. At least it looks like no one was seriously hurt in any of the incidents captured in that video, even during the incidents in which people, you know, forgot to attach the poles to the ground. That's incredibly lucky, considering pole-dancing mishaps usually consist of people's faces hitting the ground very very quickly. The dangers of such unchaperoned pole-dancing can be seen in this gruesome yet awfully funny video:
....which shows that the sport is never to be taken lightly. And unlike plain, non-pole assisted strip teases, it should really never be attempted drunk.
There is a new push these days to get pole dancing accepted as an Olympic Sport, after the ‘taking off one’s clothes’ element of it has of course been removed. Apparently the sport has got international competitions and everything, in which the dances are excellent but everyone’s clothes stay on. The outfits worn are no skimpier than gymnastics or figure skating. Which is a plus, considering that in the original Olympics everyone was nude anyway.
But if you’re into the more traditional form of pole dancing, there is still a t-shirt for you:
After all, at least pole dancing is an aesthetically pleasing form of stripping that requires skill and discipline, instead of a woman just bouncing around vaguely looking bored. In a way, you’re contributing to Western civilization and culture, and to the future of the Olympics itself. So be proud.
Known variously as ‘the Best BMX Movie Of All Time’ and ‘one of the worst movies to ever become a cult classic’, Radcaptured the hearts of many of those who were young and bored during the mid-80’s. Its fame lives on, despite not every appearing on DVD. And why not? Sure, there were literally dozens of films in that time period about young kids using their single skill to achieve greatness – The Last Starfighter (video games), The Karate Kid (karate), etc, but not only did none of them have BMX bikes, none of them even starred that chick from Full House. The movie that comes closest is probably the indescribable BMX Bandits, which is watchable only if you’re really interested in seeing what Nicole Kidman looked like when she was 15 (and if you are, you’ve probably got bigger problems than kid’s bike movies.)
But if you’re a fan of mountain bikes as well as BMX, at least you’ve got Extreme Mormons. Like Rad and BMX Bandits, it’s about using extreme cycling to do good. Only, instead of racing bikes to gain self-esteem or to get away from a bunch of criminals, it’s about using it to get people off drugs and into Joseph Smith.
(trailer appears at the four-minute mark)
Tragically, the full movie of this trailer was never made. So for now you will have to be content with a Rad Racing shirt.
Wear it enough, and maybe someday someone will release the DVD.
There’s a reason that Return of the Jedi cut off pretty much the moment after the Empire fell. Because it’s almost certain that after the movie ended, the new Rebel leadership fell apart like a cheap umbrella in a wind tunnel. Ignoring the books that follow the movies (which are arguably just Jedi propaganda) the Star Wars universe presumably entered a galaxy-wide Dark Age that lasted for centuries.
Why? Well, what did the Rebel Alliance have? A rag-tag bunch of misfits led by an incestuous couple and a giant teddy bear. Even Saddam Hussein’s team was more competent than that. Then there’s Han Solo, who with the sole experience of being a criminal smuggler and badass, was made a general. One might assume that even the most corrupt rebel forces would choose a general that has some experience with military strategy, or at least leading a crew of more than one. But no. This really does not portend well.
We’re not saying that the Empire was a good thing. But what followed it would most likely have been far, far worse, as local warlords took advantage of the power vacuum to create even more despotic regimes. Say what you will about the Empire, they at least looked like they could keep the trains running on time. As for the Rebels/New Republic, who are they going to use to fight challengers to their new power? General Han, who’ll probably get sick of the whole stressful leadership thing and run off to a space stripper bar?
So you see, despite all the planet-exploding and the sinister uniforms, Vader had a point. Express your support by wearing this ‘Give Empires A Chance’ t-shirt.
True story: I once had to talk a young Japanese exchange student out of buying a fluorescent shirt with the more traditional version of this quotation on it: “ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME”. The poor girl’s English was not fluent, but it was good enough for her to understand the literal meaning on the shirt and consider it both chaste and sweet: surely loving a person for a long time is a good thing, she asked me.
Since I didn’t want to detail the implications of the phrase with an innocent teenager in the middle of a t-shirt store, I merely said I didn’t like it, suggested a better one, and restrained my inappropriate giggling when she went off to buy it. Later I mentioned what had happened to the salesperson, who assured me he also would have stopped a non-native-English speaker from buying it and that he didn’t like the shirts much in the first place, since they only really worked in an ironic ‘bored hipster’ sense.
Now though, we can all have our revenge on those shirts by wearing our own version:
Wear the shirt to make a statement, pre-empt people that think quoting the phrase to strangers is clever, or just to show your general disinterest. Whatever the message, it’s surely far less likely to lead to intercultural confusion and embarrassment than those damn fluorescent hipster shirts.
It’s been clear since the famous flash video was released over five years ago that Mr. Rogers is actually the most hardcore person that ever lived. The fact that he was a Marine sniper/Navy SEAL/trained killer/etc has entered the popular culture, and the fact that the real Mr. Rogers never actually served in the military has had no power to stop it:
"On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeve sweater to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. A master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat. He hid that away and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm."
Why do we want to believe this? Because it’s fucking awesome. We all would sleep better at night if we were more convinced that behind the gentle, calm exterior of this children’s entertainer lies the soul of an effective killer. We can tell ourselves that if the apocalypse ever comes, we can rely not just on ourselves but on the kindly elderly neighbor next door, who presumably has arms full of tattoos and a basement stocked with fully-automatic weapons hidden behind shelves of old preserves.
In reality, the closest thing to a truly hardcore Mr. Rogers is this guy. His name is Peter Rogers, and he gained eternal fame when he got his left hand cut off in a bar fight, and then continued to punch his attacker with the bloody stump. If that’s not true hardcore, I’m not sure what is.
But we can still continue the legend. Celebrate the real or wished-for hardcoreness of Mr. Rogers with this t-shirt.
If you love films or hit TV shows, you'll cherish our unique and eye-catching t-shirts. We offer movie inspired tees, tv quote shirts, and totally original vintage retro style funny shirts. You're sure get noticed wearing these clever designs.
