Another Cold Glass of Turnip Juice

Jack-o-lanterns are a Halloween tradition that date back many hundreds of years to ancient Ireland, where they are linked to several local folk tales. However, since pumpkins are a New World discovery that didn’t exist back then in the British Isles, the Irish would instead carve jack-o-lanterns into turnips.

Can you imagine the horror of carving a face into those tiny wretched things, especially while drinking (which being Irish, they probably were)? It is a little known fact that the holiday of Halloween became associated with death, mayhem and horror because people used to cut themselves trying to carve scary faces into turnips. They would then gush blood everywhere over their terrified, screaming family members. Since medical care as we know it didn’t exist back then, families would have to call in the local witch to put a spell on the turnip wound. This is how witches became associated with the holiday.

Eventually, the Pilgrims became sick of all of this, and emigrated to the New World. Another little known fact is that it wasn’t so much religious persecution as that they were sick of all the goddamn turnips.

But all that has changed now, and today Halloween is a joyful holiday for children and adults alike. Although of course now pumpkins have to put up with this. 

It is imperative that you pass on this important and completely factual historical knowledge to all your friends at this year’s Halloween party. You can find an excuse to raise the subject by wearing this awesome pumpkin-themed jack-o-lantern t-shirt.

Express your patriotic pride this Halloween; wear a pumpkin t-shirt. Because seriously, fuck turnips.