Leftie Pride

Are you left handed? Tired of struggling with those god-damn can openers? Tired of all the other members of the water polo club laughing at you as you awkwardly wield the mallet? Find yourself constantly smearing blood all over the page when trying to write threatening notes to your enemies? Well, worry no longer.

Left-handers have got a raw deal for a while now, what with left-handedness historically being considered evil and a sigh of witchcraft in many cultures and all. Hell, in some countries they forbade it altogether But now, scientists think that left-handedness might be cause by a surge of testosterone at birth. That’s right, being left-handed might just be caused by being too damn manly.

It's not surprising when you look at all these famous left-handed people in history. Probably the surge of testosterone was given to a special few to give them an evolutionary advantage while fighting multiple bears. Or maybe it’s just a gift from God for being super awesome.

So it turns out that all those people trying to crush your left-handedness or accusing you of being the son of the devil were just jealous. After all, since a surge of testosterone can be caused by stress, it probably meant that your mom fought off a tiger while in labor or something. How many people can say that?

You can show your rebellious left-handed pride by wearing this Trust Me I’m Left Handed T-shirt.

It’s also available in women’s sizes, because high testosterone in the female brain is nothing to be ashamed of. Female southpaws, you too can take pride in fight wild animals while wearing this shirt. And possibly zombies.

This Is My Halloween Costume

There's a good chance with everything that's been going on this fall, you haven't had the time to go out and buy a Halloween costume. You were going to, but then America bombed the moon, a kid got stuck in a hot air balloon, Brett Favre started playing football (again), and the H1N1 Flu shut down practically every school in the country. In all the fuss, it's easy to see why you didn't have time to sit down and think about what costume you were going to wear for the ghoulish festivities of Halloween. Clutch Tees makes it easy for you by offering this "Halloween Costume" shirt. Check it out here as well as a few other Halloween shirt ideas!

Another Cold Glass of Turnip Juice

Jack-o-lanterns are a Halloween tradition that date back many hundreds of years to ancient Ireland, where they are linked to several local folk tales. However, since pumpkins are a New World discovery that didn’t exist back then in the British Isles, the Irish would instead carve jack-o-lanterns into turnips.

Can you imagine the horror of carving a face into those tiny wretched things, especially while drinking (which being Irish, they probably were)? It is a little known fact that the holiday of Halloween became associated with death, mayhem and horror because people used to cut themselves trying to carve scary faces into turnips. They would then gush blood everywhere over their terrified, screaming family members. Since medical care as we know it didn’t exist back then, families would have to call in the local witch to put a spell on the turnip wound. This is how witches became associated with the holiday.

Eventually, the Pilgrims became sick of all of this, and emigrated to the New World. Another little known fact is that it wasn’t so much religious persecution as that they were sick of all the goddamn turnips.

But all that has changed now, and today Halloween is a joyful holiday for children and adults alike. Although of course now pumpkins have to put up with this. 

It is imperative that you pass on this important and completely factual historical knowledge to all your friends at this year’s Halloween party. You can find an excuse to raise the subject by wearing this awesome pumpkin-themed jack-o-lantern t-shirt.

Express your patriotic pride this Halloween; wear a pumpkin t-shirt. Because seriously, fuck turnips.

New Jersey Nyets T-Shirt

In response to Bill Simmons mail bag blog entry:

An inordinate amount of readers mailed me some variation of the "New Jersey Nyets" joke, and it made me laugh every time. When is the New Jersey Nyets T-shirt and logo going online? How much longer do we have to wait?

Wait no longer! The parody New Jersey Nyets t-shirt is here!

Halloween Defined

Here's a great alternative to spending Halloween stuck in an airtight full coverage chicken costume, or in the business end of a two person donkey costume. It reads "Halloween: An excuse for girls to dress like sluts." Short, quick, and to the point. Find this Halloween Defined shirt at Clutch Tees along with some other Halloween themed tees!

Pistol In Your Pants!

So many ways/reasons to wear this shirt it's hard to know where to begin! Use it as part of a cowboy costume for Halloween. Wear it to a bar to look like a bad ass. It's probably not best to wear it to the bank...or work...you get the idea! You can find this "pistol in your pants" tee at clutchtees.com!