Flip out and kill people

Ninjas. Created in the fourteenth century, these working-class samurai have fascinated mankind since it became socially acceptable to like Japan again earlier in the century.

Recently you have probably seen ads for that movie Ninja Assassin, about an assassin who is also a ninja. Although it's not clear why the assassin part has to be specified, since what do ninjas do besides assassinate people? What else were they actually good for? They spent their whole life going around being stealthy and killing people. Sometimes with reason, sometimes without it. They're ninjas, they make their own rules.

Apparently the plot of Ninja Assassin consists of a modern day ninja taking down a worldwide cabal of other ninjas as revenge for them training him. As a ninja. Which is a bit of a whiny move, really. You think he’d be grateful for these guys taking him and basically making him Batman. A better choice of plot would be if it was about a time-travelling ninja who wanted revenge on the present world for taking the name of his ancient art form and giving it to a cocktail mixer.

But have no fear. You can still celebrate the real way of the ninja with this shirt:

Whenever life throws a tough situation your way, you can turn to this shirt's simple slogan. The answer will come to you right away: “Sneak up behind a dude, and kill him using only your elbow.” Traffic incident? Uncomfortable family gathering? Lost in the backwoods of Japan? You would be surprised how many sticky situations this slogan will get you out of.

Use this “What Would A Ninja Do” shirt as a constant reminder of your chosen path through life.

We Like Sports!

You may be socially awkward, unattractive, or have obscure interests, like composing insulting acrostics to insert into serious legal documents. But if you like sports, you can still be a genius at making friends.

It doesn’t even matter what the social context is. For example, in a bar, you can sit down next to someone and say:

“I see that you are watching sports. I too enjoy sports. My favorite part is when a player on my team does something that gives the team an advantage over the other one.”

Immediately, you will have made a new friend.

Even in other contexts, like at a funeral, or inside a burning building, or at a funeral inside a burning building, you can still use sports as a conversational talisman by simply saying to the person next to you:

“How about that local sports team? They sure play better than that rival team from the state or district that is next to ours.”

Or:

“Can you believe that sports player that has been featured on several of the news channels lately? I sure do have some opinions on all of the interesting things that people are saying about him on that show about sports.”

Conversation started! There are literally thousands of ways liking that sports can be your entry into social mastery.

But why put yourself to the trouble when you can simply wear a shirt like this?

This ‘I Like Sports’ t-shirt will demonstrate to everyone around you that you too are a cool, sports-loving person that they can start one of the above conversations with. Then you can just sit back, relax, and let the popularity pour in.

The Demon Who Makes Trophies of Men

Predator. Could Rambo kill a hunter from another planet? Could even Batman have got out of this one? Well, the inexplicably German-accented main character in Predator could. Everything about this movie is the essence of hardcore, from the probably-not-something-you-should-try-at-home use of a minigun to that dude that says “I ain’t got time to bleed.”

Also, it features a scene where Arnie stabs a guy all the way through, pinning him to the wall behind him, and tells him “Stick around.” This sequence should be mandatory in all movies, including children’s animation and romantic comedies.

This movie was made back in the day, when men were men and monsters were tall guys in suits, rather than those lame CG creatures which always look too shiny and which none of the characters ever seem to be looking at directly. Before directors started featuring modern-day Predators having weird onscreen quasi-romances with heroines. Before director John McTiernan started making films like Rollerball. Before Arnie starred in the two most recent Terminator movies. It was 1987, and those were the days.

But one thing that wasn’t so good about 1987 was that you couldn’t get this shirt:

This t-shirt's slogan reminds us all of the glorious moment when we all learned that we could outrun a large nuclear explosion just by riding away in a helicopter. This easily beat the previous action movie method of simply diving away from large explosions in ultra slow motion. And as a bonus, when this situation inevitably arises in real life, your Get To Da Choppa shirt will let everyone around you know exactly what to do.

Chicks Dig the Uniform

Star trek has got a bad rap these days. Some people might think there’s nothing less conductive to relations with the opposite sex than declaring yourself a Star Trek fan.

But they’re wrong. For a start, nothing is sexy like a man in uniform. Put William Shatner in a uniform and what does he look like? A chick magnet. And McCoy and Spock were pretty successful with the ladies, too.

Also, the vintage Star Trek uniforms were great. Nothing says ‘Captain of a goddamn starship’ like bright yellow shirts, sparkly badges and knee-high boots. Sure, a lot of Star Trek fans go for Next Generation, but they too are wrong. Captain Picard? Clearly no Kirk. Come on, the guy had a counselor on the deck so that the aliens attacking them could discuss their feelings with each other. For some reason that military strategy hasn't really caught on in the present day.




Could Picard do this? I don’t think so.

Not to mention those lame dull-colored uniforms everyone was wearing. Everyone knows that if you’re in the blackness of space, you need to liven things up with bright-colored uniforms, multicolored sparkly control panel buttons, and that little screen at Spock’s station with the black and white spiral on it. What did that screen do? It looked fucking cool, that’s what. On the other hand, suicide rates must have been incredibly high on the new Enterprise with only that muted gray and purple eighties décor to drown out the space boredom and soul-crushing blackness around you.

Celebrate real vintage Star Trek uniforms and the women they attracted with this Chicks Dig the Uniform Star Trek t-shirt.

Wear the t-shirt, show your pride. It’s second in sexiness only to dressing up like Kirk himself.

Richard Scarry Apple Car!

This Richard Scarry Apple Car Shirt should bring back some memories of the early 90's popular cartoon "The Busy World of Richard Scarry." Each episode opened with the iconic Mr. Lowly Worm driving around the Paramount Studio emblem in his flying apple car. Relive the memories and grab your tee today from Clutch Tees!