All Great Men Have Mustaches

The American Mustache Institute has recently compiled a list of mustache styles so you can choose your own, or classify the one that you are lucky enough to already have.

Why grow a mustache? Because as the shirt says, all great men – whether fictional or historical – have had mustaches.

For example:

• Jesus
• Satan
• That dude on Mythbusters
• Inigo Montoya
• Conan the Barbarian
• That guy in Tombstone. No, the other one. Wait, they all had mustaches. Which proves the point really.
• Winston Churchill (Note: His mustache was bigger than Hitler’s, which is why the Nazis lost the war)

And if the rules of logic have taught us nothing else, and they haven’t, it’s that any man can obtain similar greatness simply by also having a mustache. Think about it: can you think of a single great man who didn’t have a mustache? I didn’t think so.

Unfortunately mustaches are neither as common nor as appreciated as they once were. Maybe it’s the meaningless whims of fashion, too much estrogen in the water supply. Whatever it is, these days it takes an especially bold man (or woman, with the right attitude, and maybe some hormone injections) to throw off the bonds of non-mustache mediocrity and embrace the ‘stache.

Now there is a t-shirt to further display your point of view to the world.

It can also be worn by those who due to their genetic fate, or simply because they are otherwise constantly mistaken for pedophiles, cannot grow a mustache of their own. With this shirt you can support the cause even while keeping your upper lip smooth and relatively hairless.

One of the good things about being a nerd...

... is that at times when you need cheering up, like when you lose at scrabble, or you can’t find anyone to play the new Arkham horror extension with you, you can cheer yourself up by making nerd jokes. Nerd jokes are superior to regular jokes because while regular jokes are funny, nerd jokes provide the teller and listener the extra advantage of also identifying a fellow nerd. They can even serve to be the basis of a future nerd friendship.

This, of course, is a perennial favorite:

Although there are many others that will also do the job. For example, this one:

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink. “I think not!” he says, and disappears.

Or another classic:

Heisenberg is driving along the highway, when he sees a cop car behind him. He pulls over, and the policeman gets out and comes over to the car. “Do you know how fast you were going, sir?” he asks.

“No,” says Heisenberg. “But I know exactly where I am!”

If the person you are talking to laughs at any of these jokes in a non-just-being-polite manner, you know you have a fellow nerd and new friend. So begins a lifetime (or half an hour, depending on whether or not you like them) discussing the new 70-minute Phantom Menace review and building model starships together.

Of course, with this t-shirt you don’t have to even speak out loud to draw fellow nerds to yourself. Wear the shirt, and express your nerdy humor without even opening your mouth!

Jugement Day

Maybe you are like some of us and used to be a champion speller all through elementary school and well into high school, until MS Word came along and you started using their spell checker. Then your brain gradually atrophied until you went from only using it for difficult words like ‘cemetery’ to simply mashing your fingers on the keys for every word over five letters long and hoping that the correct spelling eventually came up in the suggested words list. Much like the way your calculator dependence has meant that you have to whip out the calculator on your cell phone to figure out how many tires you’ve got left after one has blown.

There are the younger folk who have been presumably using spellcheckers since birth, and never got the solid foundation before the era of word processors. This leads them to doing stuff like this:

There are many other similarly tragic examples to be found all over the internet.

Or maybe you are one of those people who was just never really good at spelling, whether you had access to a spellcheck or not. You have to deal every day with those pedantic types who go into a rage whenever someone spells ‘definitely’ with an ‘a’ Then you want to tell them that the English spelling system is pretty arbitrary and that you are just rebelling against the arbitrary authority of the dictionaries and contributing to the evolution of the language.

Anyway, no matter which one you are, you now have a t-shirt to express yourself with:

Wear this shirt and be proud of all of your tattoos. Don’t let them juge you.

They Will Be Back

There has been a real shortage of killer robots in popular culture recently. Since the sixties, when Harlan Ellison started the whole ‘evil computer takes over the world and goes on a rampage against humanity’ thing with his really fucking creepy short story, robot apocalypse stories have been rampant. There were movies galore, like Terminator, and that one where Matthew Broderick almost destroys the world. Even ten years ago, we had the Matrix. Robots were constantly on the verge of overthrowing their human masters and crushing us in their metal claws. We all knew that it would happen one day, probably in a way that allowed them to run over human skulls in some way or another.

Now, though, the trend seems to have died out. Even Terminator Salvation was more about Christian Bale and Sam Worthington working out their emotional issues than it was about fighting the machines. No one seems to be into killer robots anymore.

Is this all the fault of the Roomba? Because robots these days are all pet dogs and creepy talking toys, and not skeletal forms with glowing red eyes? Maybe it’s made us realize that it’s pretty illogical to expect a robot to have a killer instinct without said instinct being programmed into it, and that it’s illogical anthropomorphism for us to give robots human emotions and drives. Maybe reality has ruined it all for us.

Maybe. Or maybe we’re just not trying anymore. Humanity has gone soft, and is no longer interested in bringing about the robot apocalypse.

But the good news is, you can still change this. Buck the trend. Show your pride.

This Cyberdyne t-shirt will show everyone that you're on the right side of the battle. Because if one thing is going to destroy humanity, it should be something cool like robots. Wear the shirt, get yourself a secret underground lab, and start working on those red-eyed machine skeletons today!