Let's Say You've Gone Back In Time

Shotguns and the evil undead have enjoyed a long-standing love affair. Many types of weapons have been popular for taking down such creatures: swords, axes, cricket bats, crossbows, the ever-popular chainsaw. But there is nothing like the power of a shotgun to unleash the destruction required to bring down an ultimate creature of evil. In fact, the two are so entwined that today things like this are not at all uncommon. But what if you find yourself back in time, before the age of modern technology? Well for one, there is this:

This will teach you all you need to know on the non-supernatural realm, as well as guaranteeing you a spot as the greatest person in history. (That is, if you are prepared for the soul-crushing horror when you return to your own time and realize that you have changed history, and that everything and everyone that you knew is no more. But on the bright side, you’ll be really famous.) But if you are being attacked by Lovecraftian horrors from beyond time and space, then what you really need is this t-shirt for inspiration and a gun to back you up.

This shirt, along with a limitless supply of ammo, will probably do you fine. Note: do not try the same trick if you have not travelled back in time and are just lost in a foreign nation and you think it looks kind of backwards. They probably have AK-47s, and they will kill you.

Pachinko!

Let’s face it, making fun of Japanese advertisements is like shooting fish in a really small barrel. If you’re in Japan, you can basically pick an ad off the TV at random, put it up on Youtube, and get 10,000 comments, 2,000 of which will be mildly racist. But it’s still acceptable, because they do the same thing to us as well. For example, take a look at this commercial, featuring Nicolas “Not the Bees” Cage:

Seeing this ad, Americans can now experience what it feels like to be on the receiving end of crass ethnic stereotypes. First, check out Nick Cage’s accent. Do you think he really talks like that? No, but that’s how the Japanese ad industry thinks Americans talk. Second, he is driving down a deserted highway in a pickup truck wearing a cowboy hat. When he meets the aliens, he invites them to do a hoedown. This is clearly the Japanese equivalent of how us Westerners imagine the Japanese; constantly eating sushi in an ancient Shinto temple decorated with samurai swords, wearing a kimono and watching tentacle porn. And possibly also being a ninja.

So don’t feel so bad about watching ads like this famous one and making a little bit of fun at the Japanese. Or wearing a shirt commemorating the fake-yet-accurate Mr Sparkle ads.

Never be ashamed of laughing at Japanese TV. Remember, they are laughing at us too.

Zombie Marathon

This fine shirt demonstrates a true preference in the fast vs slow zombies dichotomy, which has played out in film and real life for decades. Slow zombies are the shuffling, rambling sort epitomized in such movies as Night of the Living Dead, Shaun of the Dead, and various zombie marches throughout the years. The slightly less common but still popular fast zombies are found in such classics as Return of the Living Dead, 28 Days Later, Zombieland, and countless video games whose makers figured out that players found it a bit dull to have a corpse shuffling towards them for ten full minutes.

Now, some have argued that the more traditional ‘slow zombies’ are the only real kind, more genuine and true to the zombie spirit. They point out that the original horror evoked by zombies was one of slow attrition: the shambling corpse can be easily outrun by the faster living, but the living are gradually worn down by fatigue or sheer numbers, driven insane by the relentless pursuit of the slow, steady undead.

These people may be right, but let’s face it, fast zombies that can catch up with your lively, non-undead terrified sprinting are really much more likely to kill you. And being eaten alive by zombies is a lot more frightening than the existential angst caused by a corpse’s relentless slow march.

Whatever your reasons, you can celebrate your love of fast zombies – or just zombies in general – by wearing this shirt.

Awesome Cult Movie Artwork

If you love cult classic movies as much as we do, you'll definitely want to check out this site: http://1988crazy4cult3.blogspot.com/

The artistic interpretations of cult icons are amazing! Of course, if you'd like to wear it across your chest on a t-shirt, rather than display it on your wall visit Clutch Tees.

Be Excellent To Each Other

Not only were Bill S. Preston, Esquire and “Ted” Theodore Logan an essential part in the cultural development for anyone over 25 (and many people younger than that, if they were fortunate), their religious teachings clearly represented an apex in the history of human ethics. That’s why Bill and Ted, even close to twenty years later, were included in this recent inspirational speech.

Unfortunately, lately there is talk of a remake in the air. The idea of which is ridiculous, because both Bill and Ted movies were a product of their time, and not just in terms of clothes and language. Wanting to be in a hard-rock garage band in this day and age? Who are they supposedly emulating, Coldplay? And although Doctor Who can get away with it because he’s a Time Lord as well as an anachronistic English dude, it’s actually really hard to find a time-travelling phone booth these days.

But still, there is a remote possibility that this new film will be a success. That is why you should be sure to start wearing this shirt now. Then you can carry the receipt and use it as proof that you liked the original before it was cool:

The “Be Excellent to Each Other” shirt allows you to express your love for this unique and endangered piece of classical culture, while also conveying Bill and Ted’s wise elucidation of ethical thought.