Support The Beard

So Chuck Norris jokes might be getting a bit old, you think. Also, the guy shaved his beard. You ever want an experience with soul-crushing terror that rips apart everything you thought was safe and familiar in the world, have a look at Chuck Norris without a beard.

But hey, beards grow back. And in the meantime you can take comfort in this poster:

Yes, Chuck Norris had the balls to make a movie co-starring a dog. Also, look at that photo of the guy. Not only is he not practicing gun safety, he is actually apparently trying to fire the gun with his second knuckle. Now given that he’s a cop and has presumably has at least some pistol training, one must conclude that he has deliberately chosen his idiosyncratic gun habits because he’s just that good. After all, he doesn’t really have to rely on guns when he has a) world-class martial arts skills and b) a dog partner.

All else aside, how could there be anything wrong with admiring a dude who is that sure about himself? It leads one to believe that maybe he shaved off his beard for a good reason, one that is simply beyond the comprehension of us normal people.

Which is why it’s still okay to wear this t-shirt. In fact, it’s a must.

Support the beard.

Uzi Does It

It is good to see that these days the Jews are finally getting back their old reputation for being hardcore. It started with films like the Hebrew Hammer, and slogans like this one based on the work of this guy. Now, with a rash of movies such as Defiance, Munich and Inglorious Basterds, it is truly reaching a peak. Who cares if not all of these movies embrace historical accuracy? If Jewish hardcore-ness has been overlooked for that long, you might need to exaggerate a bit sometimes to make up for this awful loss.

So you don’t remember too much of an old reputation for being hardcore, you say. Well, here is a great story about Moses, from an online collection of badass bible stories:

An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man's neck with one savage twist. As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. "Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew."

Now that a Jewish holiday is coming up, it’s time to spread the pride in this long history of badassery. If you are not feeling quite that hardcore, you can always fall back on your sense of humor and/or fine sense of t-shirt-wearing.

Jew or Gentile, celebrate the approach of Purim by wearing this Challah Back T-shirt.

Luck Dragon

Who hasn’t had that dream of chasing down their enemies while riding on a Luck Dragon? That’s one fantasy that is truly timeless. However, the famous Luck Dragon in the Neverending Story isn’t the only entity who has ever carried this name. It was also the name of an old Japanese fishing boat. When the Americans blew the crap out of an island in the Pacific 1954, the Daigo Fukuryuu Maru or 'Luck Dragon 5’ was fishing for tuna in the area, presumably because there weren’t any whales around. The crew was exposed to the radiation and the captain died. America then attempted to cover up the incident.

That isn’t lucky, you say. Well, in the long term, the understandable paranoia felt by the Japanese over nuclear weapons and contaminated fish led to the eventual creation of the genre of Japanese gaiju or radiation-monster films, such as Godzilla, Mothra and Gamera. Without wanting to sounding flippant, if all it takes for films of such greatness to be made is for thousands of miles of ocean wildlife to be contaminated with radiation and for an innocent man to die a slow painful death, maybe it isn’t all bad. I’m sure many of us would volunteer for a similar death if we knew that eventually, such utter greatness would come of it.

So luck dragons might not have been that lucky for the Japanese in 1954, but it all turned out okay in the end. Maybe they can be lucky for you too when you wear this Luck Dragon t-shirt.

Hopefully, that luck won’t involve any form of radiation.